Death and Children
Sourav called me up at 6:00 pm, as I was coming home from work. I smiled as I saw his name on the display on my mobile,"Maybe he is coming home early today?" I said a breezy "Hi' to him, only to be met with a serious, desolate voice saying, "She passed away today, half an hour ago." 'She' was his friend's wife, not even 40 years old , and had been detected with Ca pancreas barely five months ago. Her struggle and that of her family's had lasted for five months, and now she was no more. While it was inevitable, we had been hoping, against common medical sense and intuition, that this day would be a little further down time. It wasn't to be and Sourav rushed to be at his friend's place.
As I went home that day, I picked up Hiya on the way from her daycare. "When's Daddy coming home?" she piped up in her little girl voice. I debated, one full minute, as the mom in me screamed, "Don't tell her, she doesn't need to know about Life's cruelties yet". But then, my saner developmental pediatrician voice took over. I held her soft, still little hand in mine, and I told her. She heard me, her expression concerned and the first thing she asked me was "What will now now happen to that Dada (she knew they had a son)? Who will take care of him?"
How true!! That is the first thought that strikes us all when we lose somebody we love-What will now happen to me? How will I get along without him/her? That makes me wonder, when we lose somebody, do we grieve for him/her whom we have lost or do we grieve for ourselves, for what could have been and will now never be, for our dreams and our hopes, for the security that he or she represented, for the comfort and solace that they brought to our lives.
Children grieve similarly, though their understanding of death changes as they progress through different stages of develpment. While an infant or toddler (till the age of 2) may react with behavioral changs like excessive clinginess and whining after the death of a parent, a pre-schooler (3-6 years) may think of Death as something that is reversible or temporary. Unfortunately, they are extremely egocentric in their thinking and they might end up making spurious associations between some of their own behaviors and the death of a person they loved, holding themselves accountable for the death in some way. A school aged child (6-12) like Hiya realises that Death is more final, and now the main concern is about predictability and safety. "Who will now care for me" becomes their concern. They are not being selfish or unfeeling about who has gone, they simply want to kow how their world will change fundamentally because of this death (Dixon, 2006).
Another thing to remember is that children at this stage are also fascinated by what seems like inexplicable fascination for gory or gruesome details, especially related to the body. As adults, we may not feel these details are something we can handle , especially at tension wrought times like after somebody's death, such questions are howevr part of a child's attempt to make sense of an overwhelming abstract event.
I realised this after Hiya bowled me her last googly on the topic that day. "After she died, did her eyes close for ever?" Yes, I replied. Then she says, "You told me Maani's mother (my grandma) can still see us from Heaven. How can she do that if her eyes closed for ever"? Hmmmm....
As I went home that day, I picked up Hiya on the way from her daycare. "When's Daddy coming home?" she piped up in her little girl voice. I debated, one full minute, as the mom in me screamed, "Don't tell her, she doesn't need to know about Life's cruelties yet". But then, my saner developmental pediatrician voice took over. I held her soft, still little hand in mine, and I told her. She heard me, her expression concerned and the first thing she asked me was "What will now now happen to that Dada (she knew they had a son)? Who will take care of him?"
How true!! That is the first thought that strikes us all when we lose somebody we love-What will now happen to me? How will I get along without him/her? That makes me wonder, when we lose somebody, do we grieve for him/her whom we have lost or do we grieve for ourselves, for what could have been and will now never be, for our dreams and our hopes, for the security that he or she represented, for the comfort and solace that they brought to our lives.
Children grieve similarly, though their understanding of death changes as they progress through different stages of develpment. While an infant or toddler (till the age of 2) may react with behavioral changs like excessive clinginess and whining after the death of a parent, a pre-schooler (3-6 years) may think of Death as something that is reversible or temporary. Unfortunately, they are extremely egocentric in their thinking and they might end up making spurious associations between some of their own behaviors and the death of a person they loved, holding themselves accountable for the death in some way. A school aged child (6-12) like Hiya realises that Death is more final, and now the main concern is about predictability and safety. "Who will now care for me" becomes their concern. They are not being selfish or unfeeling about who has gone, they simply want to kow how their world will change fundamentally because of this death (Dixon, 2006).
Another thing to remember is that children at this stage are also fascinated by what seems like inexplicable fascination for gory or gruesome details, especially related to the body. As adults, we may not feel these details are something we can handle , especially at tension wrought times like after somebody's death, such questions are howevr part of a child's attempt to make sense of an overwhelming abstract event.
I realised this after Hiya bowled me her last googly on the topic that day. "After she died, did her eyes close for ever?" Yes, I replied. Then she says, "You told me Maani's mother (my grandma) can still see us from Heaven. How can she do that if her eyes closed for ever"? Hmmmm....
posted by Leah @ 9:51 PM
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